Making It Equal
by Ebony Coleman
Summary: Ed feels like his life is out of balance. The alchemist makes a heartbreaking decision to try and make things equal again. One-shot. Written for Spaz-san because Spaz-san knows how to review.


So this story was written for Spaz-san because Spaz-san reviews! That's right I'm needy ok! I need to be reassured that someone likes my story. And you people out there who can take the time to favorite an author, a story or get alerts you have the time to review. It doesn't have to be long or meaningful just fucking review three words! 'I like it.' Or 'I hate it.' I don't which just review!

Okay. So, thank you Spaz-san!

**Making It Equal**

Equivalent Exchange. In order to gain anything something of equal value must be lost. Edward longed for the days when he believed those words were true. Not just in alchemy but in life.

Edward didn't care about what it would cost. He couldn't let his life continue to be the chaotic mess it had been for years now. He quickened his pace a sick, uneasy sort of excitement creeping into him. It was reassuring, a nice change from the dread that normally filled him on this path. No, this time would be different. Equivalent Exchange, he didn't think things could ever be equal but that wasn't going to stop him from trying.

After a few minutes at his brisk pace he arrived at a large home. It was two stories, six bedrooms, five bathrooms, a completely modern kitchen that was almost never used, all and all a house most people dreamed of. The mire sight of the place was enough to bring the too familiar dread back. _'No. This time will be different.'_ He took a few moments to just breath willing himself to be clam.

The blond searched under the half dead potted plants on the porch, finally his hand came across the cool metal barely distinguishable from the concert. The key felt heavy as he slid it into the lock, this was it. After this there would be no turning back. _'No. I have to do this. _

Edward took one last deep breath before walking into the house. The spacious living room was completely covered in darkness. But the young alchemist knew the layout, had traveled the same path dozens, _'hundreds' _of times before. The thought made him shiver again despite the fact it was actually rather warm in the house.

He began to quietly climb the stairs. Trying to keep his thoughts straight, to remember the words he had planned to say. Ed made his way down the hall towards the study. A soft, almost innocent looking light was seeping into the hallway forcing back the dark. Digging deep down, Edward pushed forward into the light and through the door.

And there he was; shirt half unbuttoned, arms resting on the desk of his home office, with a slightly startled look. His dark blue depths dancing in the light of the fire that roared just a few feet from them. It burned him, the heat from the flame and the downright sinister gaze from the flame alchemist. He felt like a mouse caught in the eyes of a cat. Like prey, helpless against the will of a predator. _'No. Not anymore.' _

"Well this is unexpected Fullmetal. I don't recall ordering you to come over tonight. You should know better than to just walk in without even knocking. I guess I'll just have to teach you a lesson. "Slowly He stood undoing the last few buttons as he went. Revealing a portion of perfectly sculpted moon kissed torso, so ideal any roman artist would have dropped to their knees and thanked the Gods for such a divine model. His little Judas was already making his leather pants extremely uncomfortable but he wouldn't let his body talk him into something he knew in his head wasn't right..

"I've learned more than enough from you Roy. I came here to tell you I'm not doing this anymore." Mustang's smirk only grew at this statement. The taller man was only inches from him now. His scent was already assaulting his senses. The brunt earth musk and whiskey clouding his mind, or maybe it was the lips ghosting over his ear.

"I know Edward. You're not gay. You don't like men and-" His hand slide over the blonds growing bulge sending waves of heat to crash over him like a tidal storm. "you hate having sex with men. That's why you're so hard right now." The last sentence was purred into his ear as a far too talented tongue began to play with his sensitive lobe. He went limp in the other mans arms sending them both to the floor. Ed let Mustang straddle him, his mouth crashing down on his. The duality of it making his head spin, the sheer teeth clicking force of the kiss mixed with the light caresses as a nearly forgotten hand began to tease his left nipple through his shirt. _'I have to stop this!' _

It happened so quickly it took a few seconds for it to register in Roy's mind why he was no longer feeling up his favorite underling. Edward had managed to roll them both so that the blond was now on top. Now this was nothing new. Ed liked to fight him for control. He would let the pipsqueak be on top for a little bit and then he would assume is rightful position. What was new and completely unforeseen was a familiar clap followed by the ground getting a little too friendly. His hands and feet were both secure and unmovable. With his gloves in his pocket out of reach Roy realized he was now total at the mercy of the shrimp. This didn't sound terrible until said young man stood up leaving his need cold and without any sort of comforting friction.

"You're half right Colonel. I don't like men. Most men anyway but your another story. I –" His voice was dying in his throat choking on the words he never wanted to say out loud. "But I deserve more than to just be your fuck toy. Coming over whenever I'm ordered to do so, only when you don't have some big breasted bimbo to blow you." Edward didn't dare to gaze down at the raven haired man. Worried that doing so might kill his resolve.

"Ed-"

"Shut up! I don't want to hear it Roy. I'm not going to be your little fuck puppy anymore! Equivalent Exchange use to mean something to me, you asshole! But ever since you started to fuck me when I was sixteen nothing has been equivalent between us and I'm fucking done!" He began to walk way however, Mustang had other plans. As the blond moved towards the door the grabbed his ankle causing the alchemist to hit the floor face first.

"You are not leaving me bond to the floor, Edward." Roughly the younger man ripped his limp free, clapped, and slammed his hands on the ground. He started to get up only to pushed back down on his stomach, arms forced out to each side, the weight of the other man keeping both legs together.. He might as well be nailed to cross for all the hope he had of getting out of this. _'Why can't things ever go according to plan? How did my life become one failed plan after another? When did I become such a fuck up?' _

"What do you want Mustang?" He struggled but it was pointless, Roy was stronger and in this position he had little hope of getting up until that bastard let him.

"We need to talk. If you're done yelling at me I'd like to speak now.." Shocked didn't seem to be a strong enough word to describe what the Elric was feeling at the moment. Maybe it had finally happened; maybe all the trauma and bullshit in his life had finally led to a psychotic break from reality. Perhaps he was drooling frozen in a catatonic state in a metal hospital right now and this had all been some fucked up delusion. He couldn't suppress a manic chuckle at this almost happy thought.

"Ok Roy, go on ahead let's 'talk'." Let it be known that in the entire history of the universe nothing good has ever come from the words 'We need to talk.'

"You're right, you should have some say in when you come over and what we do. I don't want to feel like a toy." Edward couldn't help it, laughed, hard and long till his sides ached and eyes burned.

"You don't get it Roy.. Not that I ever expected you to, I just never thought you'd make me have spell it out for you. I might be a bit of a masochist but I'm done hurting myself through you. This is killing me, the longer this goes on the less I sleep, the less I can eat. Al and Winery were so worried about me they made me see a doctor last week. You know what he told them- I'm under too much emotional stress right now. Thanks to Dr. Quack they want me to a fucking shrink." None of it was making any sense to Mustang.

"And what would you tell him, if you could tell the shrink the truth?" Due to the Colonel's don't kiss and tell nature he was sure the shrimp would never tell a therapist about the two of them.

Edward took a deep breath. _'The truth, I don't want to lie anymore. Equivalent Exchange is honest. No lies or secrets to the law'. _Simple and true, it was going to have to be that way from now on.

"I'd tell him I've been fucking my boss since I was sixteen. That it kills me to be so close to him one second only to be just another solider the next. I'd tell him that I kept having sex with my soupier because it made me feel wanted and needed. It gave me a purpose after I got Al's body back when I felt helplessly lost.

I'd tell him it's gotten too hard though lately, watching him flirt with women. Going to bed at night trying to sleep, but tossing and turning for hours thinking about who might be in his bed at that very second.

I'd tell him that I had recently come to the realization of what my problem was about a month ago when I was at Winery's and she said "You look like a lovesick puppy what's wrong? Ever-"His voice kept creaking. Edward didn't think he could keep it up. Every word felt like chocking smoke.. "Ever since then I know I couldn't keep doing this. I couldn't just be your fuck toy when I-" Again the words refused to come out. It felt like to world would blow up if he said them. If the person they were meant for actually heard them.

Ed was grateful that their current position kept them from seeing each others faces. He was terrified of what he might see there, of the words he knew were coming. The next few seconds time was kept panic-stricken thuds of his heart. Again, he breathed and tried to will his heart to slow.

"Edward, you know this is the most we could ever be. If the military ever found out –"

"Half the military already knows or at least suspects this is going on. They keep quiet because we're heroes in the eyes of the people." He felt the older man sigh more than he heard it. _'This is pointless I should just shut up and get out of here.' _But he couldn't. This was it, if he failed to convince the General now he never would. For the sake of the little sanity he had left the blond had to at least try.

"Besides, there are no official rules on same sex couples on the books, you know that. The higher ups just always discouraged it. But you're a General now Roy. The only people you answer to are the members of the Assembly. Shezka has so much influence now, thanks to you, a bill on the subject would never even make it to committee. So don't tell me the reason we can't be together is because of our careers. The reason you and I will never be anything more than sexual partners is because you don't want anything more from me."

Mustang got off of the younger man. Moving to floor beside him, Ed sat up but didn't turn to face the man. The blond braced himself, preparing for the hurt about to come.

"You know I don't do relationships Ed." There was a sharp piercing sort of pain in his chest but he couldn't stop now. Equivalent Exchange, this pain was necessary for him to have peace. Yes it hurt but it was like cleaning a wound with alcohol, it burned and hurt a million times more than before but now it could heal right.

"I know. I don't expect you to change. To be honest I don't think you can. You can't be what I need Roy." Edward clenched his fists and begged to a God he didn't believe in for the General to say something. _'You're wrong. I'll try. I want to keep you in my life.' _But as the seconds ticked by only the nearly forgotten fir made a sound; and slowly the oldest Elric had to except the fact that Mustang wasn't going to say any of the things he wanted to hear.

With a heavy sigh he stood up. Still, he refused to look at the raven haired man. To do so would break him. In, out, in, out. _'Focus on your breathing, shut the world the out.' _His teacher's voice said in his head.

"You know you can't do this. You might walk away now but sooner or later you'll be back begging for me to fuck you. It's who we are." The surge of rage was made him finally turn.

Roy Mustang, his superior, the man he adored looked so helpless. Like a child who had just lost his favorite toy. The ache in his chest worsened at seeing the man in such a state knowing he was the cause.

"That's what you hope will happen. You don't want to lose me but you're not willing to do what it takes to keep me. That's why I'm leaving." Before he could change his mind Ed turned and left.

'_He's right. There is a chance I can't do this. There's a chance I will break down and go crawling back to him. But I have to try.'_

Equivalent Exchange, in order to gain anything something of equal value must be lost. The law wasn't perfect neither was life but you still had to try to find balance.


End file.
